Transcript Of An Event
by NewbiaTheElf
Summary: How Daniel Handler came to be Lemony Snicket's representative.


Subject: Re: D Quitting  
  
To Whom It May Concern (namely J),  
  
I am sorry this took so long to reply. D quit many years ago. How ever, I have had nothing to say until now. I found this tape. Please take notes on it, and ask R if quitting is aloud. I have taken a few notes, as seen on the bottom.  
  
TRANSCRIPT  
  
[sound of scraping]  
  
D: L! L!  
  
[scraping stops]  
  
L: Yes? Please be quick, D, I'm very busy. There is a message underneath this paint, and as soon as I find it I must row away.  
  
D: Please, call me Daniel. I have quit the VFD.  
  
L: Is that aloud?  
  
D: If it isn't, I don't care.  
  
L: That's a nice attitude. Why are you telling me?  
  
D: Well, you're a good friend of mine. We have so much in common-  
  
L: No we don't. We do look shockingly alike, but that's it.  
  
D: Fine, fine! Anyway, I quit because I couldn't afford to be a volunteer any more.  
  
L: Didn't you write a book?  
  
D: Yes, but the royalties can't pay the bills forever.  
  
L: I'm sure the Duchess of-  
  
D: Please, be quiet! I thought you were in a hurry. Any way, I can't afford to volunteer but I still want to help somehow. I'm doing a favor for all the volunteers, and I've decided to help you with tell the world about the Baudelaire children. I have friends at Harper Collins-I can get the book published.  
  
L: Oh! Thank you!  
  
D: Your welcome. But do you have time to write the book?  
  
L: I'm not sure. . .  
  
D: If you don't, I can write it for you. Just tell me the facts and I'll write them down.  
  
L: But I don't want people to read my books, I just want the books to be there.  
  
D: That's why I'm writing them. Listen, if any one starts to think you're not actually dead, I'll just pretend that Lemony Snicket is a pen name. In fact, I'll even take all the royalties.  
  
L: You are so kind.  
  
D: It is no problem. Here, I have this tape recorder, it's already on. I'll start with the basics: why do you want to write about the Baudelaire children?  
  
L: Well, K is my sister.  
  
D: Didn't she die?  
  
L: Yes.  
  
[sniffing]  
  
L: However, I have evidence to believe she is still alive. I might put a letter in one of the books to see if she replies. As I was saying, K is not only my sister, she is the mother of the Baudelaire children.  
  
D: Shocking.  
  
L: Indeed.  
  
[sniff]  
  
D: Perhaps I should move on. Let's work on little details-who will you dedicate the book to?  
  
[even louder sniffing]  
  
L: Beatrice.  
  
D: Who is Beatrice?  
  
L: That is the most dreadful question of all, and the answer is so terrible that I cannot even begin to say it without weeping. O Beatrice! My Beatrice!  
  
[sobbing]  
  
D: There, there. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Would you like a cup of tea?  
  
L: If it's not too much trouble.  
  
D: Actually, I'm in a bit of a hurry. I suspect someone wants to kill me-  
  
L: Join the club.  
  
D: Is this considered a club? Anyway, one last question and then I will contact you by e-mail from now on.  
  
[shuddering sigh]  
  
L: Fine, ask away?  
  
D: What does VFD stand for?  
  
L: You don't even know that, and you're part of the group? I'm glad you quit, you're an idiot! VFD stands for-  
  
[gunshot]  
  
D: Ah! Run!  
  
L: Ah! Run!  
  
[water splashing]  
  
D: Row away!  
  
END OF TRANSCRIPT  
  
Notes:  
  
I believe the message underneath the boat was a bit of profanity that was quickly painted over. See 'four letter word' file.  
  
What does VFD stand for? They change it all the time. Yesterday it was Very Fictitious Daffodils, today it is Volunteer Fire Department. Please file complaint to not change the name so much.  
  
Please make a list of all the favors every one received. I distinctly remember asking for a copy of Anna Karenina, and never got anything. That just isn't fair.  
  
The "Who is Beatrice" question seems to come from L's official site, if you look at the author page and click on the queasy queries.  
  
Send notes soon.  
  
The World Is Quiet Here  
  
-S  
  
(PS-which stands for postscript, not the volunteer-please send news of N. Are her ankles healing? If so, tell her to stop writing and start training. She hasn't even bothered to ad an authors note, which is quire unorthodox, which means 'look it up in the dictionary, you lazy nincompoop') 


End file.
